Paging Doctor Ed
by elejamie
Summary: The Eds volunteer to work at a hospital, with disastrous consequences. COMPLETÉD, but still read and review. Trust me, it's quite a good read, despite a half-bad ending.
1. Chapter 1: The beginning

-1Paging Doctor Ed…

Chapter 1: The beginning

Plot: The Eds volunteer at the hospital, with disastrous consequences.

The cul-de-sac was in it's usual mood (or closest enough a road can get to a mood) when suddenly, a pinecone fell from a tree, and guess where it landed? That's right, Jimmy's head. The pinecone, which fell on a tree, landed on the poor, unsuspecting head of Jimmy. OK, some of you won't matter, since you might consider Jimmy to be one of the worst EEnE characters ever. So, apparently, Jimmy had a concussion (is this kid weak or what?) from a pinecone falling on his head. But enough of that scene now.

The first ones on the scene were, surprisingly, the Eds. Hearing that "conk" made Eddy think: "How much money does Jimmy have today?" The Eds rushed to the scene, and Eddy checked Jimmy's pockets. Nothing. Not even a penny. Eddy, who felt remorse because Jimmy was broke, and he has only got a dime, then thought of a scam. "Hey I've got an idea!" Eddy bellowed. "A hospital!"

"Or," Edd mentioned. "Why not go to the hospital to volunteer."

"Do we get paid?" Eddy wondered.

"Nope" was the reply, again, surprisingly, from Ed.

Edd and Eddy looked at Ed in shock, whilst Ed made a trademark stupid grin. "Yeah… Er…" Eddy muttered. "Seriously how much?"

Edd looked at Eddy and replied "I'm afraid Ed's right. We don't get paid."

Eddy was furious. "Why the hell didja (did you) mention the idea then?"

"There, they have proper supplies. We can't make an iron lung from cardboard and a balloon." came from Edd. "Think about it: we won't have to buy a lot of stuff"

"Maybe we can ask to get paid?" was Ed's question.

Eddy had a thought in his head, and then, in a cartoon cliché style, a light bulb appeared on top of his head.

"Ed I could kiss ya (you) but I ain't that type of guy!" said Eddy, with a thought in his head. "C'mon (come on), I'll explain on the way!"

And so off they went, off to the hospital, with Kevin walking into the "shot". He noticed that Eddy forgot to check the ground around him. There, he found a $10 note, which ended up under Kevin's hat. He then walked off.

All Jimmy made was a small, soft "Owie…"


	2. Chapter 2: Job application

-1Paging Doctor Ed…

Chapter 2: Job application

A/N: As a request, I will no longer give word definitions in me fanfics. If you want to know what a word means, private message me. The reason why Character 1 is Edd is because he has the most lines.

At Peach Creek Hospital, the Eds take a break. "Not so fast next time!" Edd shouted, out of breath.

"OK, OK" Eddy, who was also knackered, replied on a mocking tone. "Not so fast next time (!) My feet are killing me (!) The Kankers are attacking again (!) Complain about everything, will you?" Eddy was furious after putting up with 25 minutes of Edd's complaining

"Sorry." Edd apologised "Anyway, we're here."

"Finally" Ed said, finally arriving after stopping for a hot dog 5 minutes ago. "I'm here."

"Look who's finally here" Eddy mocked, still angry over Edd's complaining (Edd talks forever, see Key to my Ed for more details) "It's Mr. Slow-n-Steady"

"Shall we go in?" Edd asked, as he was the first to regain his breath.

"Yeah." was the reply from Eddy, who also got his breath back.

And so the two entered the hospital, with the cool air con fluttering. Over an intercom, a voice asked for a "Dr. Paul Oscar" (Yes, I made a reference to Iceland's 1997 Eurovision entry. So what?) to come right away. They marched up to the front desk. There they met the receptionist, a 20-something blonde woman with blue eyes. She was reading Vogue, when she had a glimpse of the Eds. She put the magazine down, then asked the Eds how she can help.

"We're here to volunteer to work and…" Edd was interrupted

"Give me your number!" Eddy, the woman-chasing lovable loser that he is, asked the receptionist. All he got was a slap in the face, which left a mark. Ouch.

"I'm afraid you have to excuse my romantic friend here." Edd reassured the receptionist "All we want to do is volunteer here at this hospital."

"I'm surprised you've forgotten about your work application forms" The receptionist handed the trio their forms. "You filled these in so you can work here." The Eds took their forms.

"Oh" Edd finally remembered. "Thanks. But where should we go first?"

The receptionist replied "Go to the staff room. 4th floor, corridor 3, 2nd room on the left. Must be totally rad to volunteer at the hospital." The Eds, surprisingly, remain oblivious to the fact the receptionist was related to Nazz.

And so, the trio set off to the staff room. They got into the lift and got to the 4th floor. They had no difficulty getting to the Staff room, although they had to go into corridor 4, and go into corridor 4 because of a spillage. They entered the staff room, where there was a hubbub over who'd win the big derby: Peach Creek, or Lemon Brook. They weren't talking about American football, but more or less baseball. Then a few doctors noticed the Eds.

"Come in!" one of the doctors requested. The Eds entered the room, and then were introduced to the doctors. One doctor was in his mid-30's, with a five o'clock shadow, and had brown hair. "I'm Dr. Chapman," one of the doctors went "And I work in Neurology. On the left of me there's Dr. Ferrell, Dr. Bean, and Nurse Daniels."

"I remember him," Eddy said. "Last time I was here, he gave us grapes."

"So he did." Dr. Chapman continued with the introductions. "OK, if you ever get lost, on each floor there's a plan near the stairs. Your first place to go to after this is room 25. Hope you can find it"

The Eds set off, but Ed was too busy looking at the map, he didn't notice the stairs a few steps away. "Ed, watch out for the stairs" Edd warned, but it was too late.

Ed fell down the flight of stairs, then rebounded off the wall, down another flight of stairs. This continued until Ed had reached the ground floor. All that came from him was "I'm OK!"

A/N: I've included a few pop culture references. If you want to know what they are, private message me. OK? Ditto words that you've not came across.


	3. Chapter 3 part 1: Clear!

-1Paging Doctor Ed

Chapter 3: CLEAR!

Eddy got to the room first. He opened the door, and saw someone on the bed. He pushed the person onto the floor (didn't matter anyway, as the staff hadn't recognised that he was dead) and lied on it. He pretended to be ill by getting a marker (which appeared from hammerspace) and drawing dots all over his face and body. He threw the marker into the bin, and lied down.

Next to arrive was Ed, who didn't know the body on the floor, or Eddy was in the bed, and checked the medical chart. He replaced the bowl of grapes with a fresh bowl, and went outside the room. He suddenly stopped when he said "Hey…"

He re-entered the room, and forgot to change the bedpan. "That's better" he said, then went off. When it was clear, Eddy let out a sigh of relief. He flicked on the telly, and started to watch "Bikini-Clad Ninjas", his 2nd favourite show.

Then, all of a sudden, Edd stormed into the room (technically, he opened the door, but as the window was open, a breeze made it slam open) and saw that it was actually Eddy. Edd said "Eddy, you do know the consequences of what happens if you're caught?"

"Shut up sockhead!" was Eddy's reply "If you tell, I swear to God (sorry) I'll rip off your mouth and make you eat yourself!"

"I'll be quiet" Edd quivered, sheepishly. Eddy gave Edd the evil eye at first, before giving him a guilty look.

A moment's silence passed before "And no, we're not gonna kiss. What is this? Yaoi?" passed through Eddy's lips. Edd, shocked, left the room.

Downstairs, Ed was told by Dr. Bean that one of the patients needed to go to the operating theatre. The patient was in room 26, but Ed, the lunkhead that he is, went to room 25. He then rushed Eddy to the operating theatre, ignoring Eddy's protests, where he got prepped and got unconscious.

The next few minutes were a blur, before Ed and Edd arrived to wake Eddy. When Eddy woke up, he started to strangle Ed. "I had to have a kidney and my pancreas out because of you!!!"

Eddy was too busy strangling Ed that he didn't hear Edd. Eddy later let go, after Edd poked him in the eye (accidentally of course).

-------------------------------------The Next Day-----------------------------------

A/N: I know I'm breaking in mid-story, but here's where the title of this chapter comes into effect.

Eddy was able to work at the hospital the next day, but he has issued a restraining order from Ed (They should be at least 20cm apart). He later walked down the corridor when Dr. Bean approached him. The doctor asked "Good. Eddy, er… we need you. A patient needs defibrillation!"

"Is it like that thing where we have to go 'Clear!' then press it on the person's chest?" Eddy questioned?

"Yes"

"Count me in!" Eddy was eager to do the job.

At the operating theatre, Eddy entered, donning surgical clothes. He got onto the stool, but couldn't reach the man's chest. So he tried for the arm it didn't work. "Hmm…" Dr. Bean pondered "We need someone with longer arms."

And so he called Ed and Edd, with Eddy backing away a bit. Edd successfully reached the man. He tried to defibrillate the patient, but it didn't work. "More power Ed!" Edd shouted

"OK Double D!" Ed replied, giving him the A-ok sign. He turned it up all the way. Edd tried again. The screen froze (as this is the end of the chapter).

A/N: OK, I'm going to write Chapter 4 soon. I know what's gonna happen, but I'm not gonna tell you. All I'm gonna release is something happens to the hospital, and the Eds.


	4. Chapter 3 part 2: Clear! The Conclusion

-1Paging Doctor Ed

Chapter 3 part 2: Clear! The Conclusion

At the end of the last chapter, we recap on what's happened so far:

The Eds go to work in a hospital. Then, at the operating theatre, Ed sets the power too high.

Now, shall we continue?

------------------------------------The Conclusion---------------------------------

When Edd finally defibrillates the patient, something bad goes wrong right? Here it is.

Kevin was watching the telly when the Eds operated. Then, suddenly, the power went out. He was angry, because he was missing his favourite show. He left his house and went to the electricity company to complain. He found out that the hospital used up all the electricity in the precinct. And off he marched…

Back at the hospital, all the lights were off. Dr. Bean went "This does not look good." At the same time, Edd's blackened body fell from the wall (there was no longer a roof), and he said "Ow."

Eddy was also thrown to the wall, but not as high as Edd. He got up, rushed over to Ed, and started to strangle him. "You stupid idiot, first I lose some body parts, next I lose a hair! What ever next, blow me up?"

"But Eddy, the restraining order?" Ed muttered, choking. "You're breaking the restraining order."

"To hell with the restraining order!" Eddy replied, still choking Ed. It only took 2 doctors to pry them apart.

The Eds were forced to go into the Directing Manager's office. "Taking out unwanted body parts, misuse of equipment, and pretending to be patients so you can watch TV." The D.M. told the Eds. "This has got to be the worst anyone has ever done in my hospital. This is coming out of your pay check."

"You pay us?" Ed questioned.

"I'll pay you $500 at the end of the day, then take $495 out of it." The D.M. complained at Ed. "Meaning the cost of repairs is…" He took out a calculator. "495 times 3 equals… $1485" He showed the calculator to the Eds

Eddy's jaw hit the ground, then he fell out of his seat. "Naptime already?" Ed stupidly asked.

After a while the Eds left the room. "I don't understand" Edd said, confused "Why was I in trouble? I did nothing."

"Why can't a guy get any respect here?" Eddy complained.

However, Ed didn't see a wet floor sign and, déja vu, he slipped. Down a flight of stairs. Again. Once again, Ed shouted "I'm OK!"

However, Ed also bumped into the D.M., who was knocked over. He shouted "Ed-dy!" because he thought Eddy pushed Ed.

"Oh crap (if you'll pardon me French)" escaped Eddy's lips, and he ran away.

"Quickly" The D.M. requested from Edd. "Which way did he go?"

"That way." Edd pointed towards the waiting room. The D.M., despite being in his 50's was quite fast. In his office, he had 2 gold medals from the Olympics around 20 years ago, and a pic showing the US Olympic team that year.

"Bloody hell" Eddy rushed into the waiting room. Panicking. Beads of sweat dropped from his forehead. He took a baby from it's pram, and put it in another place. He then climbed into the pram, got a dummy out, and pretended to be a baby.

The D.M. burst into the room, and asked everyone if they've seen a boy: 5"0, 2 hairs (3rd one got burnt off, remember?), chest scars. No one seems to have seen him, and he left the room. Still remaining incognito, Eddy remained in the carriage, until he was sure the coast was clear. When it was, he escaped from the pram, and jumped out of the window. "What's his problem?" went one of the patients.

A/N: There will be some adventure in the next, and final, chapter. So stay tuned.


	5. Chapter 5: The End

-1Paging Doctor Ed

Chapter 5: The End

A/N: As you have read in the last chapter, this will be the last chapter. Enjoy.

Eddy, after making his escape, headed towards an ambulance. He went onto the roof of the ambulance, and exclaimed "Faster, faster!" It was at this moment when he realised he wasn't in character. "Get it right!" he shouted

"Sorry!" an off-screen voice said. Then, suddenly, the driver door opened, as if by magic.

"Still bad continuity, but the hell." Eddy was reasonable. He got in, but he didn't know how to hotwire. "I wish Double D was here" Eddy muttered. "A little help!" he shouted.

"I really ought to stop helping him break the fourth wall" the voice thought. Then the vehicle roared to life, and Eddy sped off. "Wait a minute" he exclaimed. "If I'm driving, how come my feet touch the pedals, yet they are half my height below my feet?" He looked down at his feet, seeing that the floor has been raised. "Oh."

He still drove off. He managed to swerve a corner, narrowly avoiding pedestrians. "Hi Nazz!" He said. Nazz waved back.

He looked at the rear-view window and saw police cars. It later occurred to him that behind him was a police station. "Phew" Eddy breathed a sign of relief. Only to hear sirens. "Crap" Eddy finally realised it was the police. And they were closing in, fast.

Eddy zoomed off ahead. In true car-chase fashion, he drove off a ramp, over a roadblock. "Wanna know how it went, readers?" Eddy whispered. "I just swerved, skidding, however I caught enough air to do a flip over the roadblock and land perfectly." However, he was distracted, and crashed into a tree. "Damn"

Then police cars surrounded him. "Double damn." He complained. "Help?"

The voice went "OK, but this is your last chance. Then I can help you no more."

The scene shifted, back at Eddy's house, where he was lying in bed. "Now don't disturb me" the voice said. Eddy nodded, and went back to sleep.

Meanwhile, back at the hospital, Ed and Edd were about to leave, when suddenly the D.M. came up to them. "Do you know where your friend is?" He asked

"No" was the reply. Then the D.M. got into his wallet, and took out 2 $5 notes. "Do whatever you want to do with them." He handed the Eds their money.

"Thanks" Ed and Edd showed their gratitude.

"You know Ed, I might work here when I'm older." Edd pondered.

"Let's get home, I haven't had a gravy in two hours" Edd said.

As they started to walk out, they were met up by Kevin. "You dorks made me miss my favourite show!" He was angry "And you both shall pay."

"Oh crap." Ed and Eddy murmured. "Hey, hey wait a minute" Edd butted in. "Freeze frame." The screen froze, and everyone, but Edd was still. "Did I just swear?"

"Doesn't matter!" The voice explained to Edd.

"Thanks, Dan." Edd said, tucking his thumb into his clenched fist. He knew the voice was none other than his creator: Danny Antonucci.

"Continue?" Danny asked.

"Yeah" Edd replied. Then everyone was back to life.

"Oh you'll enjoy this." Kevin rolled up his sleeves.

Danny saved the Eds by erasing Kevin, but not from existence. Because, on Mars…

"Hey where did they go?" He asked, puzzled. He looked up at Earth. "Oh"

Back in Peach Creek, Ed and Edd were at the candy shop. They bought some jawbreakers and went over to Eddy's house. They gave Eddy some jawbreakers, and told him that Kevin's no longer. "Hey," Eddy was scheming "if Kevin is no longer here, how 'bout we steal his jawbreakers?"

"Count me out!" Edd complained. Then, a purple ray beamed onto him, and he became a zombie. "I-will-do-what-ev-er-the-script-says-I-shall-do. I-shall-help Ed-and-Ed-dy-steal-jaw-brea-kers-from-Kev-in's-gar-age"

The heist was successful and the Eds revelled in jawbreakers. However, in the morning, Eddy woke up with some sort of hangover, and was surrounded by a pile of puke. Ed and Edd were lightly sleeping. "What happened?" Eddy was dazed, confused, and hungry. He only found out he went on a sugar rush, and ate at least 2% of the jawbreakers the Eds stole.

He stumbled out of the room, and managed to get to the hospital before collapsing. Danny went "OK, Eddy, I'll make you feel better now, but this is because I am bored."

'Miraculously', Eddy felt better and ran back home, to eat some more jawbreakers. "Wait a minute" Danny froze the scene. "This is about the Eds volunteering at a hospital, right? So why is it now about eddy getting jawbreakers?"

Another voice explained "I'm low on ideas."

"Why not end it then?" Danny, and the Eds asked.

'The End' went on the screen.

"We didn't really mean it." came from the (now) off-screen characters, who were like Duck Amuck.

"I stick by it." The voice said. And muted Danny, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Kevin, and the universe.

---------------------------------------The end----------------------------------------

A/N: What Ed did (tucking his thumb into his fist) was to signify a gladiator to let his opponent live. Thumbs up meant death. Thumbs down-didn't have a meaning.

And, in a future story, I'll try to torture the Eds (a la the aforementioned Duck Amuck). I'll start off with Ed, then Edd and then Eddy. If popular enough, I'll continue.


End file.
